Imagine what it will be like to have a celebrity for a partner on Valentine’s Day.

WE all know what Valentine’s Day is like. It’s in your face and senselessly expensive, a time when roses cost 10 times what they usually do and dinners will set you back at least twice what you usually pay, just because the restaurants have added a candle to the table.

It’s one of those occasions when one-upmanship is de rigueur, and gift-giving can become over the top. So of course celebrities love Valentine’s Day.

However, it doesn’t always turn out the way they imagine it should. This is what I imagine some of the celebrities’ Valentine’s Day conversations would be like.

Love bondage: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt love each other to bits, what’s a marriage certificate?

Courteney Cox and David Arquette

At the peak of their love-struck days in the mid-2000s, Cougar Town actress Courteney Cox was said to have given then-husband David Arquette, who is seven years younger than her, a carousel for V-Day. Yes, we are talking about one of those thingies you find in a theme park, the big one, with horses and all.

Many saw it as a hugely romantic gesture, but little did they know that the couple’s days were already numbered even then.

DA: A carousel? Really?

CC: You don’t like it? C’mon, it’s a carousel!

DA: You know, Court, sometimes I think you don’t want me to grow up ...

CC: Let’s go for a ride!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Jolie may look great in a dress, but it has always been a matter of contention who wears the pants in the Brangelina house. Pitt, at 48 and a good 12 years older than Jolie, is not helping his case with his skiing accident and needing the aid of a walking stick.

BP: Another child? For Valentine’s Day?

AJ: You know it’s my wish to have a United Nations of children.

BP: I thought you were going to give me a marriage cert. Angel, I know it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s a piece of paper that will make me feel more secure.

AJ: Oh, Bra, not that again. Come on, we can adopt a child, or we can make one. Which will it be?

Bosco Wong and Myolie Wu

The two recently made a star appearance together at an event – it was said that the fee was quite a bit more than what they would have gotten if they had done so as individuals. Nice.

It was only last year that the two became open about their relationship, but it’s a relationship that’s been fraught with difficulties recently, what with the controversy over a CPR scene in a drama shown during the Chinese New Year in Hong Kong which had a co-actor pressing on her chest for an inordinate amount of time.

MW: What’s with the pointed bra for Valentine’s Day? Are you trying to send me a message? Get over it already. I’m an actress. We get molested at work every day.

BW: But you’re my girl ...

MW: And you get to kiss and touch other girls in your dramas.

BW: But that’s different ...

MW: Oh, shut up and see how you look in this pointed bra ...

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis

The rumour mills have been working overtime on an impending split between the American pirate and the French ingenue. The fact that they have lasted a long 14 years is testament to their love for each other. But the relationship was probably doomed from the start, for reasons that should be obvious.

VP: Johnny, where is my eyeliner? My lipstick? My foundation? My moisturiser? I do not understand. You have your own. I bought them for you for Valentine’s Day. Three sets each. Still, you have to use mine. Can’t you at least put them back after you use them?

JD: Pardon my French, but #$%@*&^ I can buy Sephora if I wanna and *&^%$#@ you are just jealous I am more beautiful than you. And I have better skin.

VP: Of course your skin is better. You use up everything in the house. Shoo! Shoo! Go make another Pirates movie. Life is so much easier when you are away filming.

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham nee Adams

The LA Galaxy football star and underwear model was recently in the news for spurning a French offer to play out his retirement in Paris. In all the reports prior to the offer, the woman formerly better known as Posh Spice – his wife, if you will, was said to have been really keen to go, so the deal was all but done.

Then came the sudden rejection. The word from the little bird is that it was a monumental misunderstanding between the two over David’s attempt to spring a little Valentine’s Day surprise on the missus.

DB: Vicky, darling, you did say you didn’t like the French frogs. That’s why I said no to the Parisians – it was meant to be a Valentine’s Day surprise – to be in Paris on February 14.

VB: How many times must I tell you? I said I didn’t care for French frocks.

DB: I know. You don’t like the French frogs, so we are not going to France.

VB: Oh, put a sock in your underwear!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

> In this column, writer Hau Boon Lai ponders the lives, loves and liberties of celebrities.

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